Time and God

I wrote this about 12 months ago, after a sustained period of emptiness and distance, of inner turmoil and outer chaos, when I first admitted I had a deeper problem and when I was first diagnosed with depression. I found it again today and as I re-read it some parts of it seemed applicable to my current frame of mind. After a fairly sustained period of feeling ok I crashed yesterday, the result of familiar triggers and patterns and my inability to deal with them. I have been rebounding a lot better over recent months but this was a bigger more painful crash and I'm struggling to pick myself up.

I wrote this while on retreat at the monastery at New Norcia in 2007, sitting in the grounds, watching and listening. I had found an old rusty time piece half buried in the dirt, just the inner workings not the casing or face, and it lead me into a reflection on the nature of time and God.

God is like time
Endless, eternal
No beginning or ending
God is like the big picture
Seeing everything
Recording every detail
Each second, each moment
Each instant, captured in God's eye
Kept in God's heart
Stored on God's infinite hard drive
Each day observed and noted
Not ignored, never forgotten
No day is lost to God
He sees and hears and knows and remembers
All that transpires
Every word spoken
Every bird's song or flight
Every creatures daily quest
For food and drink and peace and rest
No fly or bug too small
No action missed or life unseen
Every minute piece and creature
A part of the complete and
Intricate picture that is
God's whole creation
He is the time that marked its birth
He is the time that measures the earth
God has time, to wait
He is patient beyond understanding
He will not rush
He will not call a halt too soon
Though time is running out
He will wait till the very last moment
God uses his time thoughtfully and wisely
Setting tasks and directing paths
Coaching and coaxing and calling us out
To see him
To hear him
To taste and smell and feel him
To get in step with him
And measure time the way he does
I am like this old broken time piece
A rusty clock, seized, unmoving
Not working, not doing the job
For which I was created
A piece of machinery carefully made
But no longer functioning
Bits broken, bits missing
Damaged and neglected
The spring corroded
The hands gone
The cogs twisted and out of sync
At some point in time
I was ticking and moving
And keeping time with God
But neglect and damage
have rendered me useless
Does God have the time to mend me?
Does God have the patience
To restore and renew me?
Does God have the skill to put me back together?
To free the things that are stuck
To get the parts moving again
To repair me and help me measure
Time by his measure
He is able
But is he willing?
He is able
But am I willing?
He is able.