Happy Mid-Life Crisis to Me

After two days away on the hike I had plenty to catch up on at work and I wasn't moving very fast, my legs are sore and stiff. I'll be 46 tomorrow and I'm feeling every bit of it right now, fast approaching my use by date in fact!

Apart from Country Week tasks I also had to make arrangements to move our fish.
You may remember the fish sculpture I helped to buy after the Commonwealth Games?
For a variety of reasons the project has stalled and the place where it has been stored can no longer accommodate it and have been hassling me to come and get it! No easy feat considering said fish is 7 metres long and weighs around 300kg!
I called Aussie, a friend from church who has a truck with a crane and he's going to come and pick it up tomorrow morning. From there we need to get it into the art compound at school. There's space for it but lifting it over the brick wall will be tricky.
Hopoefully we'll get it done without damaging the fish or the school. From there we still need to do some work on it to prepare it for installation, AND convince the shire to allow us to put it somewhere prominent in town. Perhaps with my long service coming up next term I can devote some time to the project and see it to completion.

WARNING:

Serious Blogging Ahead!
I started writing and next thing I knew I was exposing more of my thoughts and feelings than usual and feeling nervous as a result. Vulnerability Rating: High


I saw my therapist again this afternoon and from the tests she's done and her observations it seems pretty clear I have depression. I'll continue with the counselling but may also reconsider medication as an option. I have good days and bad days but of late the bad days are winning and I don't have the strength or emotional reserves to cope. I spend a lot of time struggling with my internal world, unable to function at the sort of levels I'm used to or expect.
This remains a difficult subject for me, it has taken me a very long time to even get to this point and acknowledge I need help. My usual strategy is to withdraw and close down emotionally and hope that it passes. No prizes for working out that's not a very effective strategy! Talking about it isn't easy but it is preferable to continuing the unhelpful patterns of the past.
I'm not a very forgiving person, and that lack of forgiveness extends to myself. When I fall I tend to follow it up with a good beating which keeps me down longer and makes it a real struggle to get up again. Maybe my expectations of myself are too high, or maybe I just don't have the capacity I thought I did. Hopefully therapy will help me work some of this stuff out and find ways to improve my coping skills.
A bit of extra "happiness" as a side effect wouldn't go astray either.


You are now exiting the Vulnerability Zone!

I don't often post other people's stuff but I got some great puns given to me today and as I'm very fond of a pun myself I can't resist posting a few here.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was fantastic.

A jumper cable walked into a bar and asked for a drink. The bartender said "OK, but don't start anything!"

Two peanuts walked into a bar, one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road".

There'll be more tomorrow.

Progress Report

The Tunnel at the end of the light.



The only thing wrong with telling the world how you're really feeling on your blog is that the world might actually read it! And then start calling and emailing and texting and telling other people to read your blog etc!

The last couple of days several people have been in touch one way or another expressing their concern.
Thank you.

I'm feeling slightly like a goldfish who put up an "Open House" sign on the side of my bowl!

Today was a bit better again.
I saw the Dr this morning who thinks I have depression.
I'm not so sure although I am sure that I felt worse over the last week than I ever have before.

It's a little chicken and eggish, "Am I depressed and that makes me feel bad about things in my life?" or "Do I feel bad about things in my life and that makes me depressed?"

I'm seeing him again next week, in the meantime he's given me a book to read on the subject. (Should I have told him that reading non-fiction depresses me?) (I must be feeling better, cracking little depression jokes!)

My supervisor has called me a couple of times and strongly encouraged me to take some time off work. She checked and worked out that I have about 15 weeks of unused sick leave so I can afford to take a week off!

My pastor came to see me today because a certain descendent sent him a text asking him to check how I'm going. He had some really good insights and suggestions. Consequently I'll probably go away for a couple of days next week to do some thinking and praying.

A mate rang from Perth.
A brother-in-law rang from Adelaide.
A cyber buddy sent encouraging messages.
My chairperson sent me the words to a wonderful hymn I'd never heard but which really spoke to my situation.
It's all happening here folks!!

What's really interesting is how many people have commented that they know how I feel or that they've been through something similar. I know depression is increasing but it is quite amazing to hear how many people have been affected by it.
As I said, I don't know if I have depression or not, sitting here now it doesn't seem like it to me, but in reading the literature I was putting lots of mental ticks against things described as signs and symptons.
Taking some time off will be helpful, if for no other reason than it will give me some time to think and sort through things and try to find solutions to some of the things that are consistent stumbling blocks for me.

I need to get it sorted out before the footy season starts and following Geelong sends me into another tail-spin nose-dive!!!


I feel an odd mixture of feelings, gratitude for people's concern and embarrassment at all the attention.



A few more pics from Sculptures by the Sea.I found out today that my mate Cameron's cousin made this "Sea Anenome" sculpture, along with 2 other similar ones that are part of the exhibition. Very cool!